If you have been pregnant (or men reading this, you’ve surely seen your wife turn into a character from Evil Dead at some stage during the pregnancy, see image at the end of this post), then you must have uttered this phrase which I’ve chosen as my title at least once. Probably first spoken when you were 36 weeks pregnant, running on fumes as you are exhausted because the baby alien life form in you is intent on keeping you awake at night. You know the scene :

Heavily pregnant woman, returning from the loo for the 7th time that night, struggles into bed. She glances stonily at her husband, who is sleeping soundly, snoring, with his arms and legs splaid out. There is hardly any room in the bed for her. She shoves him. He grunts, rolls over. The next 20 minutes is spent trying to find the right position for her 8 pillows. Two under the head, one under the top thigh, one under the belly, one nestled in her lower back. One for the top arm, one to be placed between the knees and one to smack the errant husband in the face should he dare to inch any closer to her. She sighs. Then realises she isn’t comfortable. Cue another 15 minutes of tossing and turning, and repositioning. Finally …. aah…. … sleep is coming and then… inevitably – KICK KICK KICK KICK KICK SQUIRM KICK SQUIRM.

Alien baby life form inside her cackles, thinking “ahah.. I have you now my pretty… just when you thought you were going to fall into a deep slumber, I shall kick you till you have no rest bwua-ha-ha-ha-ha!”.

So of course, you want this baby out of you. You’re tired, feeling extremely heavy, and doing simple things like, well, walking, is a laborious process. When I get clients coming in for pilates at this stage of their pregnancy, most of the time all they want is to feel good after the hour. They don’t want to sweat it out or heave heavy weights. Having “been-there-done-that-had-the-two-babies”, I like to put these ladies through a relaxing gentle workout, and if possible, accompanied by the plinky plonky music of Bach, preferably “Air” (I dare you to listen to that and not feel your body and mind relax. Double dare you).

At the end of their workout, when they’re doing their stretches I wait for it… hang on… I know it’s coming… “Aaaaaah…”. There you go. The Aah moment. Big smiles as they say goodbye to me.

Now don’t get up in arms about me calling those babies little aliens, you know I’m kidding. After all I have two myself. What I really think they’re doing by keeping you up at night, is to prepare you for the months of sleepless, interrupted night’s sleep that is going to plague you for the next few years. How helpful of them. But ladies, it gets better. That little alien is going to turn out to be a big squidgy ball of cuteness. Guys? Some advice here : Be kind, helpful, and sympathetic. Above all else, don’t you dare complain about how tired you are to your heavily pregnant partner. You should know better!

Hello, meet your wife (Disclaimer: any resemblance is strictly coincidental).
Image from macmcrae.com


2 thoughts on “Get this baby out of me, NOW!

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