I’m watching the Queen’s Jubilee Procession on telly at the moment, and was wondering how wonderful it was to be the Queen, or to be part of the Royal Family (Kate you beat me to it). But then I thought, I’d be rubbish at being a Royal, and I’d actually end up hating it. Here are my reasons why.

I swear too much.

I like to dance and embarrass my friends/The Rock.

I would much prefer to be a rock star and sing on stage.

I enjoy wearing grubby clothes to chill out in on the sofa at home.

I’m more of a cat person.

I’d get irritated with everyone being incredibly nice to me.

I’d have to endure an agonizingly long meal, and not just wolf down my food in minutes.

I’d have to make polite conversation with that awful boor that’s been seated next to me.

Everyone would be assessing how good my Teaser was (that’s a very very very very hard pilates move people, not my antics in the bedroom).

My every mouthful would be scrutinised.

Ergo, my every weight fluctuation would be tut-tutted on.

I’d have to stand and wave for hours on end. I’d much prefer to wolf whistle and yell “awright!! How you guys doin’ tonight??? Feeling goooood???”

I wouldn’t be able to do a supermarket run in unwashed hair, glasses, a t-shirt with food stains on it (from the kids), and a chipped pedicure.

I wouldn’t be able to yell at drivers for being imbeciles on the road.

I wouldn’t be able to wear t-shirts with risque slogans (I actually don’t. Well, I have one that says “hugs not drugs” that’s about as risque as I get. But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to have the choice).

However one reason I think I’d rock as a member of the royal family :

I look bloody fantastic in hats.



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